When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
