Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
