areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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