i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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