If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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