Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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