so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
