remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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