we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Randomize
