the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You took a bar mat shot.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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