New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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