Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
