1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
