I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
