ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Randomize
