If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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