I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
