I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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