I'm so fucking centered right now
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
