those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
