Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
