We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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