Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize