I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
