I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
