I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
