sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
