she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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