So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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