I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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