I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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