I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
