Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
