just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
two words...techno handjob
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
