why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
