I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
