I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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