the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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