You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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