Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
is that a dick in a sweater?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
