If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
