How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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