Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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