I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
