I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
