I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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