It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
