dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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