Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
