Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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