I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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