Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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