I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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