can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
