oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
