I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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