this beer tastes like vomit already
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
