you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
