I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
