Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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