Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
