Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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