I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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