I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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