I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
