So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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