Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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