I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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