there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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