There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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