even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
